As I’m sure you all know, the world is going to end in a few weeks. I know there are some of you who don’t think that’s true because there’s no “scientific proof” or whatever, but there’s no scientific proof that the next “Twilight” book will be bad, but we all know it’s going to happen. Besides, I happen to have good information that proves that the world will end on December 21, 2012.
A friend of a friend of a cousin of mine once went to Mexico for vacation and, as we all know, the Mayans (who predicted the world would end) based their entire civilization in Mexico. Anywho, that person saw a rock that said “2012” on it, so there we have it. Actual proof that the world is going to end in 2012. Who needs scientific proof when you have a sixth-hand account of what someone posted on her Facebook wall! Besides, who needs scientists? You know who was a scientist? Walter White from “Breaking Bad”. Do you know what Walter White from “Breaking Bad” does in his spare time? He makes meth. Do we really want to get our sciences from people who make meth? I didn’t think so.
According to what the Mayans predicted, with the help of some people with access to blogs, an object about the size of the planet is going to collide with the Earth and destroy us all. I know what you’re thinking: “Nick, wouldn’t we be able to predict something that big coming towards Earth?”. Of course we wouldn’t! All of the people who are usually looking into space for us have spent the last five months staring at live footage of Mars. I can’t really blame them! Who wouldn’t want to stare at the same dunes of red sand for hours on end with no change whatsoever!
So technically the Mayans didn’t predict the end of the world. They made a calendar that stopped on December 21, 2012. Now a logical person would say that they either ran out of space or that they thought that making a calendar for the next several thousand years is enough. That’s the problem. You can’t use logic in this situation. When you’re talking about the end of the world, logic doesn’t make any sense! It’s a life or death situation so you need to rely on instinct and panic!
Honestly, I think this world is overdue for an apocalypse. All of the Twinkies are gone. Someone’s named their baby Hashtag (#seriously). Honey Boo Boo is a thing. New York Police Officers are giving homeless people boots. The world is topsy-turvy as it is. If we don’t get wiped out as a civilization now, we could see something insane happen like nuclear war or another Korean pop song making it onto Latino radio stations in America.
I, for one, am looking forward to the apocalypse. I don’t have to buy any Christmas presents since I’m sure Santa will be joining the Mars rover to avoid the giant “something” we haven’t seen yet that’s going to hit the Earth. I won’t have to see the next episode of The Walking Dead (if they kill off Daryl, I’m ending the world myself). I’ve decided I’m going to teach my grandmother how the internet works, in Spanish, on December 22nd, and the best part of it all? I won’t have to pay any student loans! It’s hard to drown in debt when the planet is emptier than that feeling in your stomach when you see your old MySpace page.
I say embrace your last few hours! Tell loved ones that they are loved. Tell hated ones… Actually, don’t talk to the hated ones. Let them find out about the apocalypse the hard way… Watch that TV show you’ve always wanted to watch! Do your impression of Bane from The Dark Knight Rises on a subway car until other people join you! Personally, I intend to leave this world the same way I entered it… In a suit. Happy Holidays, Everyone! See you on the other side!